Well, it’s been a minute since I posted a disaster, so I guess I’m overdue (not that there haven’t been kitchen disasters, I just didn’t think they were noteworthy).
I have, as of late, been bread-curious. I dabbled when I tried to make the stovetop English muffins from Soko’s Kitchen, and after nursing my mediocre-bread wounds for a little while, I decided to get back on the horse with this recipe from Practical Kitchen. It says it’s easy. It says it’s for beginners. If that’s the case, dearest gentle reader, then WHY DID MY BREAD TURN OUT LIKE A BRICK WITH A PUCKERED BUTTHOLE ON IT?
I think things went wrong on the second rise. It was hot enough in my dining room so the first rise went perfectly on its own, though i still don’t forgive summer for existing. Then, after going through the punching and rolling ceremony and placing it in the loaf pan, the dough took much, MUCH longer to get to a point where I thought it had sufficiently risen.
Here’s the thing about bread: I’m not psychic and yeast can’t talk to tell me when it’s starting to run out of sugar to eat, so I have no idea when the fuck I should start getting worried about a proof time. I tried the “fingerprint test” which is described differently in every single thing I read talking about it. You push your finger gently into the dough, and it leaves an imprint but rises back a little? But doesn’t “spring?” The audacity of baking to present itself as a science but have so much ambiguity!
I knew something went wrong when I attempted to score the dough before putting it into the oven and it deflated cartoonishly. Admittedly, I am not on the ball when it comes to sharpening my knives, but it was pretty demoralizing to watch in real time.
Then, undaunted, I stuck it in the oven for the prescribed time and hoped for an “oven spring,” which is when a bread loaf gets a little puffier right before it’s done in the oven. I knew in my heart of hearts it was not to be; the fate of the loaf had already been sealed, but I was not going to completely give up until the loaf was out of the oven and cooling.
When I turned it out onto the cooling rack, there was an audible THUNK from the dense loaf it had become. My hopes faded further. And to think earlier that afternoon I was hopeful and had faith in my ability to produce a sandwich bread with only a few ingredients, none of which would seem related to a yoga mat!
I was a different person then. Hopeful. Pure of heart.
As for the taste, it’s…fine. Not good, not bad, but certainly not worth flushing an entire Saturday afternoon down the toilet. To quote the internet circa 2017, “it really do be like that sometimes.”
The up sides:
And yes, there are two up sides.
- For the first time ever, I measured by weight instead of with standard measurements because that’s what the recipe called for. I don’t ever want to go back. It’s precise, easy, and so much neater than breaking out 700 different cups, tablespoons, and teaspoon measures. I’ve been looking at Andrew Rea’s recipes, many of which contain weight measurements, and I am genuinely excited to try some of them (pesto golden ratio, I’m looking at you).
- As some of you know, I put Instagram stories up as I cook so folks can follow along and see how it goes. The tragic outcome was met with a barrage of messages from my amazing friends containing no-knead bread recipes that actually sound MUCH more my speed, so even though I’ve temporarily lost my bread-making mojo, I think when I do get back on the horse, it’ll involve my Dutch oven and about 18 hours of rise time,
You know that when I do, whether I absolutely whiff it or it’s a smash hit, it’ll be here.
Leave a Reply