I feel some type of way about gatekeeping recipes.
I’ve always thought it was strange behavior, but my slight distaste turned into full-fledged disdain when Uncle John died and I was able to make a few of his Christmas cookies, which provided a little bit of balm on the wound of his passing. When I gave it more thought, that was the same feeling I had when my mom made my grandma’s stew to the letter after she died.
Good food is an incredible legacy to leave behind and a way for your relatives to remember you while also nourishing themselves. What on Earth could possess a person to get a request for a recipe they make and just give them the wrong information?!
Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
That’s why I was particularly enamored by this PostSecret from several years ago:
I love this so much for many reasons, one of which is that, as an emotional gremlin myself, few things warm my heart more than seeing shitty people get a taste of their own medicine. PostSecret.com gets thousands of visits a month, they have 1.5 million followers on Facebook, and this recipe has been out of the bag for awhile. Petty aunts, I hope you’re having the days you deserve.
Secondary to how much I love petty revenge, I love apple pie, and I’d never even heard of apple cream pie before I saw this. But how could I say no to a century-old recipe knowing that sharing it will piss off people who are probably the worst? So on a wonderful fall weekend with family in the Catskills, I picked an embarrassing number of apples, discovered and was immediately disappointed by the “Luda Crisp” variety, and spent some time baking with my best friend. She made an apple crumble and I made this. The winner: everyone in the house, because we all got to try both.
Some Tips for Making Apple Cream Pie
- Put the apples in the fridge for a bit before getting this started. Mine were in the fridge about 3 hours before grating them.
- Make sure to use a grater with large holes. Whether it’s a box grater or a flat one, you really shouldn’t use a microplane or a smaller-holed grater because then you’ll just get a gooey mess (ask me how I know). Larger shreds ensure you can really taste and get the texture of the apples in the pie.
- Follow the pre-bake instructions of your pie crust. You can also make your own if you’re some kind of weird overachiever, but frankly, I had neither the patience nor the equipment to do that. I deferred to my girl Marie Callender on this one.
- Use whatever apples you like. The original, as you can see, calls for granny smiths, but that’s not what we had on hand and the pie was still excellent. Just don’t use red delicious, because contrary to their name, those are disgusting.
- Do I need a mixer for this? No. The filling comes together smoothly once you mix it up, eliminating the need for beaters or a stand mixer.
Apple Cream Pie
What's that little extra flavor in this? Is it pettiness? Is it an extra pinch of cinnamon? Who knows. Either way, savor each bite knowing it's pissing off someone's aunt somewhere.
Ingredients
- 3-4 cold apples
- 1 deep dish pie crust
- 1 1/2 C sugar
- 2 tbsp flour
- 1 tsp nutmeg
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- 2 eggs, beaten
- 1/2 C whole milk
Instructions
- Pre-bake the pie crust as directed.
- Heat the oven to 400 degrees.
- Peel the apples.
- Using a grater with large holes, grate the apples onto a plate and set aside.
- Separately, in a large bowl, mix flour, sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg.
- Add milk to the dry ingredients and give it a stir.
- Add the beaten eggs and mix together until it forms a smooth mixture.
- Put the shredded apples into the cooled pie crust and then pour the milk mixture to the top.
- Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, and then at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
- Allow to cool before serving; you can also serve cold. It’s still good and retains its shape better!
Notes
– It's important that the apples are cold to make for easier grating, otherwise they might end up being a pile of mush.
– The original recipe calls for 3 Granny Smith apples, but I used a mix of varieties that we had picked from the orchard.
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